lessons come in pairs

Tonight was interesting.

I learned two things today while engaging in a discussion with some friends/acquaintances.

1) I need to learn to not take people's aggressiveness personally.
and
2) I'm going to start a journal that questions my personal beliefs (more like feelings) about things and find out where they come from. I don't mean for proof/argumentation, but for more a thorough exploration and reevaluation of my beliefs.



On the first lesson. I am very in tune with people's body language, their words, their tone, their eye contact ect. I pick up on all these cues and I take them seriously. Very seriously. To the point that it hurts me, seriously. So, if someone comes off as aggressive, I feel it deeply. When someone is smiling sincerely, I feel it deeply. When someone is nervous, I feel it. So, because I pick up on it, and start to internalize it, I start to take it personally. So, when someone gets forceful in their language (verbal and body) it literally gets me to withdraw. If I react and start to argue back equally - it means that I can still handle it. But then there are statements which become a "point of no return", such as "you are wrong" or "you don't know what you're talking about" ect.
Does that mean I cannot handle discussions??? No, in fact I facilitate controversial discussions on a daily basis. I play devils advocate on a daily basis. I get into arguments on a daily basis. However, I manage it differently. I can handle someone who says "I disagree, my opinion is this" as opposed to "you're wrong... such and such is the right one". Maybe I'm non-confrontational, and I never noticed it until now. Maybe I don't like pressure and I'm just discovering this now. As a teacher, I tell my students to correct me. I tell my students to stop me and challenge me constantly. I tell my students to question me as much as I want them to question themselves and the contextual realities they live in. However, I have a problem. I need to learn to not take people's emotions as seriously as I do... because I over-do it. I internalize things and it bites me in the butt. It's almost like I overcompensate emotionally when it need not happen. So, I decided to learn not to take people's aggressiveness in their discussions with me too personally.

On the second lesson, I realized that I have these feelings towards things that I don't know why I feel that way. I think I need to explore those feelings and how they came about. I am not talking about how I started to like twizzlers. But more of issues that are a bit more controversial. So, for example, sometimes you meet a person and you feel like wow I greatly dislike this person. I guess, I want to explore where that feeling came from and why it emerged. Now, similarly, I'd like to explore this on more controversial issues such as assisted suicide/death with dignity, same-sex marriage, gun laws and so forth. Sometimes I feel a certain way about the issue but I don't know why, or I cannot articulate why I feel it. I think in an effort to better understand myself, I decided to start a journal (not public) to question my feelings and assumptions.... Maybe I learn something from the exercise.... o__O

I guess that is all I have to say. I learned something today.... 1) not to take things personally and 2) to question myself a bit more thoroughly.

peace.